Jun 16, 2009, JUNE 2009

My difibulator fired! It was the Sunday before I was due to fly to Ireland - I was at a very lovely garden party on Long Island; it was a simply beautiful day and I was standing around chatting when suddenly I felt a bit weird and the person I was talking with seemed to fade and then suddenly I felt a violent shock in my chest and I lurched forward. I knew instantly what had happened.

I called the cardiologist and was told to go immediately to St. Francis hospital which was not far away and just happens to be one of the best heart hospitals on the East Coast. I was given a thorough examination and It was determined that the device was perfectly alright and that it had acted appropriately and that if it hadn't fired I probably would have expired right there on the lawn!

I suppose I could have cancelled my trip but then I felt I'd just be sitting around waiting for the next jolt. So I went. This morning I had an appointment with my cardiologist and she gave me more tests - the bad news is that I had thought it had fired due to circumstances: it was hot, I hadn't had much water to drink that day, I was standing too long - but no, none of those were factors. It didn't fire due to outside circumstances, it fired because my heart is damaged, that's why I have it and it could fire at any time - any time. It's a frightening thought because it's like living with a bomb in the chest never knowing when it might go off again.

It was such a strange feeling - a massive electric shock internally - my friend who I was speaking to at the garden party said she thought someone had thumped me very hard on the back. I remember when the surgeon inserted it, he said that if it ever fired it would feel like a horse had kicked me in the chest but after the momentary pain my thought should be: my life has just been saved. It truly did feel like a horse had kicked me, however, there was no lingering pain it was all in the mind. But I must say I was frightened. Not that I'm frightened of dying, it's just that it was so sudden and unpredictable - sure makes one live right in this moment. I feel I'm now living with a more intense sense of the moment - I have a feeling I'm sort of waiting. I really would prefer not to be in the waiting-for-it-to-go-off mode, but that's how it is right now and I don't know that it's all bad since it is a fantastic tool for staying alert and in this moment.

The trip was wonderful - I was mostly focused on riding. I went first to a small seaside town Bray in County Wicklow just outside Dublin. I rode four days in a row at a local equestrian center - wonderful. My friend Geraldine came from Limerick and we met in Glendalough to tour the 6th Century remains of a monastery. Everything in Ireland was so beautiful very much heightened by the fact that the weather was glorious - sometimes it was almost too hot!

We then drove through the most amazing Wicklow hills to the other side of Ireland, to Limerick. I had another whole riding experience there, cantering and galloping over the fields - so much fun.

From Ireland I flew to Yorkshire to stay with my friends at Broughton Hall. There I rode an enormous Cobb horse - Felix - I was a little disappointed when I first saw him because he was so huge I thought he'd just plod along - but oh no, when he started to canter - he thundered along so fast, I just held on but I felt incredibly safe - it was like riding a tank!

I had dinner with my brother and sister-in-law one evening, I hadn't seen him or spoken to him for at least a couple of years - we had a very nice time, I was able to keep it simple and not go to any past pain.

I stayed in Yorkshire just a few days and then entrained to London to stay with other friends. I was able to ride - I took a formal class - it was a different experience and very interesting. My riding has definitely improved but yesterday I was having a lesson on Long Island, I was practicing just lifting off the saddle as we went over a pole - maybe 2 inches off the ground - and I slipped off the horse. So embarrassing! Especially since I had dinner with a fellow last evening who rides, he jumps, gallops, the whole nine yards and has never fallen off - actually, I think that's rare.

Woven in among the riding was plenty of speaking at meetings and visiting friends. I purchased some great Indian clothes from a friend who has an amazing boutique in London.

Now I'm back in New York - rain, rain, rain. Busy at my desk.

When I was in England I was invited to join a hunt in the fall something I'd love to do - they think I'm good enough to hunt but obviously if I can't go over a two inch pole, I will break my neck going over something much higher - so I need a lot of instruction. However, one has to have the right clothes, one can't just show up in what they think would look good - I discovered that one has to be given permission to wear certain cuts of jackets, and colors, etc. The "gear" is very expensive but there is a place in Virginia which sells second-hand clothes for riding - I was on the telephone with them and thinking I would do my purchasing over the telephone but then I thought buying my first hunt outfit is like buying a wedding gown (which I've never done) and I don't want to dilute the experience so I decided to go down to Virginia with friends and make a whole event out of this momentous purchase.

I will also be able to ride in Virginia - so the whole thing should be a lot of fun. Now I just have to improve my riding skills.

There is so much going on in the world it's hard to know what to comment on so maybe the best thing is to just keep quiet!